My struggle with body weight
This is the first time I write about my experience with being overweight and feeling bad about myself. After my trip to Australia and the US I gained a lot of weight and I went from a size 28 to a size 34 and gained around 18 pounds. Of course at the time I felt okay about it, but then people started to comment on how fat I was and how bad I looked. At the time I was unemployed and almost broke and for nine months I kept eating like I would, gaining more weight until I was 168 pounds. The problem wasn't the weight but mostly my height, as I'm really short (5'5'') and I looked really plump.
I tried to lose weight to no avail, since I used to have a regular starvation diet when I was in my 20's which ruined my metabolism for life. I could spend weeks with only cigarettes and one coke to distract the hunger, which made my metabolism really slow. Before gaining all the weight I gained I could do spinning, aerobics and a regular weight routine without losing a single pound while people around me would lose more weight doing half of what I did. So I got frustrated and decided to quit.
Then I found a job that would allow me to practice swimming which did the trick for me, so I went from size 34 to size 28 again, and from 168 pounds to 144 pounds. Of course people noticed immediately but then I got comments that I still looked fat and this made all my progress seem like a waste of time. This sent me into a vortex of anxiety and I started eating again, but this time I noticed that I would not gain weight as easily as I did at the beginning, so I felt a little relieved, but now I got obsessed with my weight again and I feel guilty after eating, I avoid food at all costs and try to work out as much as I can. I want to go down to 125 pounds and I decided to do so today!
The only places which have shown me some guidance in this respect are all the pro-ana and pro-mia sites, most of them I found after reading an article about thinspo and what it truly means. I know that there are dangers involved, but I feel about myself and this might be the only way to get to where I want to. I had a huge dinner tonight, just like saying good-bye to food for a while and I'm going to reduce my calorie intake from the regular 1600 to 2000 calories a day to 800 or less if possible. I know it's going to be hard, there will moments when I feel like eating, but I have been reading all the advice on what and not what to do when fasting.
My starting weight today is 146.61. Tomorrow and Sunday I will do a 3 and a half hours of swimming, then I will check my weight and see the results of this first attempt. If I see progress I will turn this into a two hour session everyday with the 3 and half hours on weekends. Lots of water, no sugar, no fat, some protein and that's it, this ought to make things the way I want them to be! I need some support!
I tried to lose weight to no avail, since I used to have a regular starvation diet when I was in my 20's which ruined my metabolism for life. I could spend weeks with only cigarettes and one coke to distract the hunger, which made my metabolism really slow. Before gaining all the weight I gained I could do spinning, aerobics and a regular weight routine without losing a single pound while people around me would lose more weight doing half of what I did. So I got frustrated and decided to quit.
Then I found a job that would allow me to practice swimming which did the trick for me, so I went from size 34 to size 28 again, and from 168 pounds to 144 pounds. Of course people noticed immediately but then I got comments that I still looked fat and this made all my progress seem like a waste of time. This sent me into a vortex of anxiety and I started eating again, but this time I noticed that I would not gain weight as easily as I did at the beginning, so I felt a little relieved, but now I got obsessed with my weight again and I feel guilty after eating, I avoid food at all costs and try to work out as much as I can. I want to go down to 125 pounds and I decided to do so today!
The only places which have shown me some guidance in this respect are all the pro-ana and pro-mia sites, most of them I found after reading an article about thinspo and what it truly means. I know that there are dangers involved, but I feel about myself and this might be the only way to get to where I want to. I had a huge dinner tonight, just like saying good-bye to food for a while and I'm going to reduce my calorie intake from the regular 1600 to 2000 calories a day to 800 or less if possible. I know it's going to be hard, there will moments when I feel like eating, but I have been reading all the advice on what and not what to do when fasting.
My starting weight today is 146.61. Tomorrow and Sunday I will do a 3 and a half hours of swimming, then I will check my weight and see the results of this first attempt. If I see progress I will turn this into a two hour session everyday with the 3 and half hours on weekends. Lots of water, no sugar, no fat, some protein and that's it, this ought to make things the way I want them to be! I need some support!
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